By Rhysdux and HonorH
It was a typical day at OBAFU. The sun was blazing brightly enough to charbroil an entire army of Vampire-Sues, the gargoyles on Dracula's castle-cum-the staff quarters were singing in their gravelly voices, the students were howling as Coaches Gyrus and Mikelesq demonstrated in the most painful ways possible why the verb "were," the contraction "we're" and the interrogative "where" should NEVER be confused; and the flowers…
…were e-mailing Honorificus and Rhysdux.
" 'To Buffyverse Agents Rhysdux and Honorificus,' " Rhysdux read from her office monitor. " 'You are about to receive a very angry visitor. Beware. S.O.' Since when does the Sunflower Official warn us about angry fangirls?"
"I have no idea," drawled Honorificus. She was hanging around Rhysdux's office, partly to test her partner's level of endurance and partly to surf the Internet for hot pictures of Giles and/or Principal Wood. "Probably someone threatened him with Weed-B-Gon and a garden trowel and he panicked."
Rhysdux blushed. "Er—I was the last one to do that."
"Oh. Well, it's probably nothing. I mean, what would a flower consider a threat? Aphids?" Honorificus shrugged her shoulders and turned back to her monitor. A moment later, she screamed in agony, the shriek of a demon who has found something so evil, so unspeakable that her sanity and life are both in a precarious state.
Rhysdux leaped from her chair. "Honorificus! What is it?"
Honorificus thrashed helplessly in her chair, her voice little more than a hollow moan. "Oh, it's horrible…horrible…"
"What kind of fic is it this time?"
Honorificus ceased moaning and sat straight up in her chair. "Fic?" she said in a very different voice. "I was moaning about that."
She pointed at a still photograph of Buffy sitting slumped in a college classroom in "Hush."
"Look at that fashion crime masquerading as a skirt! Ankle-length! Blousy! Khaki!" Her voice rose to a tormented howl again. "With patchwork appliqués on the bottom hem!"
Rhysdux blinked. "THAT'S all you're screaming about? A skirt? A skirt Buffy wore in the fourth season, yet?"
Honorificus was about to snap, "There is no statute of limitations on fashion crimes!" when suddenly a loud metallic crash shook the castle, followed by the enraged cries of the gate guardians mixed with a female voice shouting some very juicy language. The door to the Great Hall slammed open, and a second later, both agents heard loud, determined footsteps racing upstairs in their direction.
Rhysdux glanced fearfully toward the open door. "Do you think we have time to lock the door and portal out of here?"
A fierce woman clad in a leather mini-dress and armor, bearing a large and extremely sharp bastard sword in one hand and a chakram in the other, strode into the office.
"No," said Honorificus unnecessarily.
Rhysdux sighed and turned to the woman. "Can I help you?" she inquired with an uplifted eyebrow.
"Only if the two of you are Rhysdux and Honorificus," snarled the woman.
"We are," said Honorificus. "Unless you came here to kill us. Then we're not."
"Smooth, Honorificus, really smooth," Rhysdux murmured to her partner. Rubbing her chin thoughtfully, she addressed the woman with the sword. "If you don't mind my asking…what are you doing here, Xena? How did you get here so fast? And why are you looking for us? The Hercules/Xena universe doesn't have much to do with this continuum."
Xena gestured furiously with her chakram. "Gabrielle is missing. She's been missing for a month. I just spotted her today. In that." She pointed her sword accusingly at Rhysdux's monitor, where a story was beginning to unfold. "Plotholes sprouted up all around me, though, and I lost sight of her. At least they made getting upstairs faster."
"Shut UP, computer!" yelled Rhysdux. "I am not in the mood today! Just deliver the story and be quiet! And Xena, don't stab the monitor with your sword. You'll just get electrocuted—and even worse, it will take MONTHS before I get a new one. Hang on, let me see what you're talking about." With that, she began scanning the story.
"A Buffy/Xena crossover?" Honorificus snickered. "That sounds rather amusing—" A strangled cough from Rhysdux caused the demoness to break off and frown slightly at her partner. "Rhys?"
Rhysdux glanced up from the monitor and gazed unseeing at Honorificus. "You don't want to see this. Trust me, you don't."
"Oh, nothing much," said Rhysdux in a despairing voice as she rubbed her aching forehead. "Xena's Gabrielle has become a murderer of men and babies alike—“
Xena turned a peculiar shade of purple. “They want a murderer?” she asked very quietly, in a voice that would’ve sent a Turok-han scampering for cover. “I’ll show ‘em a murderer!”
Rhysdux plowed right on as if she hadn’t been interrupted. “—chaos magician Ethan Rayne is a psychic healer, Buffy is psychotic, her mother agrees to have Buffy killed, Giles gets tortured and threatened with rape—"
"WHAT?!" The cry of the outraged demoness could be heard in the Horsehead Nebula. "Who? Who dares to torture MY GILES?"
Rhysdux took a deep, deep breath. "Buffy. Or to be more precise, a Buffy doppelganger. In great and extraneous detail." She glanced at the monitor and exhaled slowly. "And there is more wrong. A lot more."
Honorificus scowled. "So what are we waiting for?"
"Backpacks? Weapons? Disguises? Portals?"
It was amazing how fast the demoness could move when she was truly motivated, Rhysdux thought. Within seconds, it seemed, each agent was wearing a fully packed Backpack of Implausibility (TARDIS-likeä dimensions courtesy of the Whoverse) over a designer slacks suit that allowed each to look fight and to look fabulous at the same time.
Likewise, without asking for permission, Honorificus assigned each of them a disguise. However, she was so agitated at the prospect of Giles being tortured that she mixed up the disguises. Consequently, Rhysdux wound up as a sultry seductress with smoldering smoke-grey eyes, while Honorificus appeared to be a grown-up version of Alice in Wonderland.
Honorificus was disturbed that her sexually unsophisticated partner might be afflicted with unwanted sexual attention due to her disguise, and offered (from pure altruism, of course) to switch with Rhysdux in order to spare her that anguish. Rhysdux—sadly—didn't appear to understand the sheer torture she was letting herself in for, and wouldn't hear of Honorificus sacrificing herself.
As Rhysdux entered the coordinates for the fic's version of the Buffyverse in the Portal Generator, Xena suddenly inserted herself between the agents. “Where are we headed?” she demanded.
“H and I are headed into the fic,” said Rhysdux, not looking up from her Portal Generator. “You should head back to Xenaverse Greece.”
“Not. Happening,” growled Xena. “This is my soulmate we’re talking about, my life partner, my constant companion, my—“
“Subtextual lesbian lover, we know,” interrupted Honorificus, checking Rhysdux’s coordinates. “It’s against regs to let fictional characters come along on PPC missions, though. Believe me, I’d love to set you loose in a few dozen Suvian universes, but they never ask me.”
Rhysdux shrugged apologetically. “The demon’s right. Don’t worry; once we shut down this universe, you and Gabrielle can get right back to doing whatever it is you do.”
“We’d better,” was Xena’s response. "Fine. I’ll head back to Greece. ‘Course, given the plotholes around me, I might get there anywhere from five minutes from now to a hundred years in the future.”
“You should be used to that by now, given the nature of the Xenaverse,” pointed out Honorificus.
“Yeah, but it’s damned inconvenient when some idiot writer’s misplaced my partner." Xena searched the faces of the two agents, apparently for some sign that Gabrielle would return, and then strode out of the office without so much as a goodbye.
Rhysdux pressed ENTER. An oblong doorway formed in the air.
The two agents leaped through the portal.
They landed…nowhere. The ground underfoot felt like cold, smooth linoleum. There was no sun and no sky. The entire world was blank and filled with a swirling whitish mist.
The Omniscient Author spoke up.
Summary: Buffy, the Psycho, meets her match
Time: Soon after Kendra's death. This is totally AU, Angelus never happened, Giles wasn't fired and the Council isn't dickheads
"Very well," said Honorificus with a smile that would have sent sane men gibbering into the treetops. "Those are the three things she has stipulated to in this 'total AU.' The ONLY three things. Anything else is fair game."
Rhysdux grinned. "I like the way you think."
"And let's just toss in that misuse of the word ‘isn't’ as the first charge of bad grammar," added Honorificus. "'Members of the Council are not dickheads' or 'the Council isn't composed of dickheads.' Either would be correct if the Council wasn’t, in fact, composed entirely of dickheads."
"Most people do wait till the story starts before they start racking up charges, yes."
The Omniscient Author spoke once more:
Chapter 1: The Letter
The world shifted, though not too painfully, as this was a fairly normal space-time transition. In seconds, the two agents found themselves in Watcher Headquarters in England. In the office of Giles' canonical and rigidly by-the-book superior, Quentin Travers, to be precise.
Quentin Travers sat in his office looking at the letter sent by Rupert Giles. For once, the letter had a ring of truth to it.
"Giles is always truthful!" snarled Honorificus, looking as if she would like to lunge at him. Or lunch on him. Rhysdux wasn't sure.
"But he's not always honest with the Council of Watchers," Rhysdux pointed out. "He thinks they are too inflexible, and they think that he makes too many exceptions for Buffy. Sorry, but that one's canonical."
The Council had known for some time that something was terribly wrong in Sunnydale. Now he was reading what it was and it chilled him. Buffy Summers had gone dangerously into darkness. And she had not come out of it. Reading the letter, Quentin trembled. Rupert and his young charges were suffering at her hands. AS were Buffy's mother and sister.
"Okay, that's not…"
Honorificus frowned at the Words. "When did Buffy go dangerously into darkness and start abusing her mother, sister, friends and Watcher?"
Rhysdux shrugged. "Beats me. The timeline for this is impossibly screwed up. Buffy, Xander and Willow are in high school, which puts it around season one to season three. Faith and Wesley are around, which narrows it to season three. Dawn exists, which puts it at season five at the earliest—"
"I get the idea. Bleeprin?"
Quentin looked up as Arthur Giles came in supporting a very weak looking Ethan Rayne. According to the letter, Ethan was allowing Giles and the children to function. But the Personal Cost was terrible, Quentin could see. Ethan was moving as if he'd been severely beaten several times. Quentin stood and offered Ethan a chair immediately.
"Sit Ethan. My God, you look bad," Quentin, said. Ethan gave a dry chuckle.
"Yes…I imagine I do Mr. Travers. The strain has been worse this week. Buffy hurt Rupert and I think the boy Xander, very badly. I healed them but I'm afraid I may have damaged myself doing it. I can still absorb it but something needs to be done."
"Blessed, celestial, virtuous—" Honorificus said through gritted teeth as she shuddered violently. "There is just so much wrong with this. Ethan Rayne in Watcher Headquarters? Able to heal Watchers and Scoobies across vast distances in a single bound? When has he ever had psychic abilities? He's a sorcerer, not a medicine man!"
"And random capitalization. I don't know why the author felt the need to capitalize personal cost, but the story certainly didn't need it."
"You expect logic in a Suefic?" Honorificus pointed her Canon Analysis Device at Ethan. It gave a heart-wrenching cry of despair that made Ethan jump before it spontaneously disintegrated. Honorificus brushed the resultant dust off her clothes and glowered. “Hello, Stu Number One. Wanna know what I’m going to do to you once we get you out of the lovely Ethan?”
After "signaling one of the servants to go make a room up for Ethan," Quentin Travers addressed Arthur Giles—the father of Buffy's Watcher, Rupert Giles—once more.
Honorificus frowned. "Is Giles' father really named Arthur?"
"I don't think his name was ever mentioned," Rhysdux replied. "He was a Watcher, as was Giles' grandfather, but that's all I know. I don't even know if he is still alive—no one ever said."
"You know what we have to do Arthur. There are only two people close enough and with the ability to stop Buffy Summers," Quentin said softly as he gave Ethan some brandy. Arthur nodded.
"Will you call them?" he asked as Quentin began to write a summons to the only people who could stop Buffy Summers. Quentin nodded.
"I'm getting confused," Rhysdux complained. "The author has two or three comments and movements per paragraph—some Arthur's and some Quentin's. Who is doing what?"
A quick conversation and Quentin hung up and looked Arthur. Wesley and Faith would be on their way to Sunnydale within the hour. Arthur nodded and helped Ethan to his feet and upstairs to the bed Quentin had prepared for him. Then, he and Quentin sat down in Quentin's office to wait.
"Spatial distortion coming up," Rhysdux said. "Brace yourself."
"Arthur and Quentin are going to be waiting for quite a while if Faith and Wesley have to travel from Boston, Massachusetts to Sunnydale, California," Honorificus observed, as the two agents stumbled into Wesley's and Faith's efficiency apartment in Boston.
Faith watched as her Watcher, fellow Slayer hung up his cell phone after a brief conversation. She could see in his eyes they were going to have to fight. And she loved a good fight, and it's after affects.
"Its!" snapped Rhysdux. "I-T-S! That's the possessive form of 'it'! I-T-apostrophe-S is a contraction—it's short for 'it is' or 'it has'! Get it right, people!"
"Her Watcher, fellow Slayer?" Honorificus shook her head. "That sounds like her Watcher is named Fellow Slayer."
"Hey, Wes-man, what's the Sitch?" Faith asked.
"Sitch?" asked Honorificus. "Who or what is a Sitch, and why is its name capitalized?"
Rhysdux didn't reply. She was too busy muttering about Golden Sitches and Star-Bellied Sitches who had bellies with stars.
Wesley looked up at her and gave a brief grin. "We're going to Sunnydale."
"Apocalypse?" Faith asked.
"No, thanks, we just had one," Honorificus replied.
Wesley shook his head. "Buffy Summers. They finally got confirmation on what she's been doing. We're to go in and put a stop to it," he said.
Rhysdux blinked. "They got confirmation on what she's been doing because the Council of Watchers finally asked Ethan Rayne—who apparently has been living with or near Arthur Giles for some time—what was going on. They could have done that weeks, even months ago. Seems that the Council is still a bunch of fools, despite the author's efforts."
The way he said it told Faith it would be stopped with deadly force. "That bad Wes?" Faith asked as he began to pack his clothes and a few books into his saddlebags.
Wesley nodded as Faith began to pack too. "She's got them pretty much enslaved and doing all her work for her. A man Rupert Giles knows has been enabling them to function after she beats the hell out of them by absorbing the pain and damage into him. Unfortunately, he's beginning to reach his limits," Wesley told her.
"Buffy Summers, slavemaster," said Honorificus, rolling her eyes. "Not that this is not a positively delicious idea, but it simply does not make sense in view of Buffy's goody-goody personality."
"And when did Buffy force people to do her work for her?" Rhysdux demanded. "She tends to take on too much responsibility, not too little."
The two agents followed Wesley and Faith downstairs to where their motorcycles were parked. Both loaded the cycles with the saddlebags, then kick-started the bikes.
Wesley pulled out first, the Faith rode next to him and they headed west, going to the Hell Mouth where something worse than a demon dwelled.
"’Hell Mouth’? And Buffy's worse than a demon?" Rhysdux was visibly intrigued by this. "What's worse than a demon?"
Honorificus shook her head. "First, I’m officially offended; and second, you don't want to know…erk! Space-time distortion, coming up—"
"Now," said Honorificus, as they landed in one of Sunnydale's seventeen cemeteries.
The Omniscient Author loudly proclaimed:
Chapter 2: First Sighting
"First sighting of what, I don't know," said Rhysdux calmly, "but—well, there are Xander and Spike." She pointed to two men, both looking tense and in pain, walking perhaps two hundred yards away.
"Xander and Spike? Together? Voluntarily?" Honorificus stared at the two in shock. "Why? What are they doing?"
"At a guess? Patrolling."
Honorificus appeared be lost. "Where's Buffy?"
Rhysdux rolled her eyes. "Good question."
Xander Harris walked through the Sunnydale graveyard with his mate Spike two weeks after Giles had sent The Letter. Xander was afraid Buffy had somehow found out about it because Giles had been beaten almost unconscious two days after it was sent.
"Buffy…beat…GILES?!" said Honorificus through clenched teeth. "I'll kill her. I don't care if she is a canon character, I'll—"
"Calm down," said Rhysdux. "We'll check on her status when we see her. If she's possessed, I'll exorcise the demon and you can tear it into shreds. If it's a Sue…I have a very nasty demise in mind for her." She grinned evilly, then glanced incredulously at the Words. "Wait a second. Did Xander just say that Spike was his mate?"
"Thank God for Ethan," was all Xander could really say on the matter. That man seemed to be determined to put up with anything for Giles. And them, Xander amended to himself. Ethan also took their bruises and hurts. God only knew what it cost him because Giles said there was a consequence for what Ethan was doing.
Striding next to Xander was Spike, his mate. Spike allowed Buffy to walk all over him for much the same reason Angel did: Because Buffy threatened his mate. Xander didn't understand why until Angel had tried to defy her and had then been forced to watch Willow get a broken arm for it. Xander finally understood why Spike wouldn't fight back. Angel had gotten a cross burn when Willow defied Buffy. Xander had felt more and more depressed lately and he knew his life was only despair. What he wouldn't give for someone to come and deal with Buffy. He just wanted someone, anyone, to come set them all free.
Honorificus tapped her right foot impatiently. "This makes no sense. Angel and Willow are True Mates—God, I hate that fanon bunny!—and so are Spike and Xander? I thought the Scoobies were all in high school."
"Then where are Oz and Cordelia?"
"That," Rhysdux said grimly, "is an excellent question. And oh, feel the angst and despair of Xander. Someone tell me why any of them are putting up with this? Joyce has a car. Giles has a car. Xander can drive his family's car. Angel and Spike can steal cars. They could all drive out of town and head for Oxnard or Los Angeles or somewhere. Not to mention that Sunnydale has both a bus station and an international airport. Leaving should not be a problem."
"Also," said Honorificus slowly, "Giles should know how to stop her. He would just have to inject sleeping Buffy with some of that concoction from ‘Helpless.’ The stuff that stripped her of her Slayer powers for the Crucimentam test. It would wear off eventually, but in the meantime, she would be completely powerless, and she wouldn't have any idea where they had gone. If they even let her live, that is. Undergods, she may be a Slayer, but she’s still just one person!"
" That's really a good idea. Though I think you've just negated any reason this story has for existing. The whole premise is that they are all utterly useless gits who can't get out of town under their own steam."
"We'll survive, luv," Spike said quietly as he picked up on Xander's thoughts and feelings. "We'll survive. Me and Angelus will keep all our humans alive and well and—-DUCK!" A large vampire lunged up out of the dirt, getting the drop on the two of them. Spike sensed others nearby and he had a flash of fear go through him. 'Would this be it?'
"When did Spike EVER call any man on the series 'luv'?" Honorificus demanded.
Rhys was having a conniption fit. "Angelus and I! Angelus and I! You do not say, 'Me will keep my human alive,' so you do not say 'Me and Angelus will keep our humans alive," either!"
"And what about vampiric hearing? How did that vampire manage to sneak up on them? Spike should have heard him ages ago."
"I'm beginning to wonder if everyone in this thing isn't a Sue or a Stu…"
A roar of a different kind invaded his hearing while he fought the snarling, snapping vampires. He spared a glance to see if Xander was okay and absently noticed Willow, Angel, Giles, Dawn and Joyce were now in the fray as well. But that didn't account for the roaring he heard that seemed to have faded.
The agents stared as Willow, Angel, Giles, Dawn and Joyce materialized out of nowhere.
"SPIKE! LOOK OUT!" he heard Xander shout.
Spike looked up to see the huge vampire lunge and pin him to the ground. 'I'm sorry, Xan-Pet,' Spike thought.
"Xan-Pet? XAN-PET?" shouted Honorificus. "May whomever invented that fanon bunny be canonized with a real cannon! And may she never recover!"
Rhysdux reached into her backpack and retrieved her Canon Analyzer. Turning it on and prudently putting the sound on mute, she pointed it at Spike.
[Spike. Vampire. Canon Character. Out of Character 89.91%. Complete character rupture. Character degeneration in progress MELON MELON MELON lime Jell-O multiply by elephant Mr. Watson come here I need you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111111111oneoneone…]
Rhysdux barely managed to turn the Analyzer off before it exploded.
He braced waiting for the attack. It never came. Instead there was a whooshing sound and Spike found he was covered with dust.
He looked up and saw two figures, one male, one female, dressed all in black leather, fighting the vampires. The female had long, dark hair. The male's hair was just as dark but cut much shorter and he wore glasses.
"Faith!" the male called seeing a vampire sneaking up behind her, "Sun-Set-Flip!" Spike watched as the girl flipped, tucked herself into a ball on landing and rolled under the man who leapt, did a split in mid-air and staked the vampire with the stake the girl had handed him as she rolled under him.
"Staked the vampire with the stake the girl had handed him?" Honorificus grimaced with disgust. "Paging the Department of Redundancies Department."
"A whooshing sound, and Spike was covered with dust?" Rhysdux said, frowning. "You know, I thought that Wes and Faith had just driven up on their motorcycles and kicked some dust onto Spike by accident."
The rest of the vampires simply stared at the two before rushing them en masse.
"Brilliant battle tactics," commented Honorificus, rolling her eyes.
The two of them joined hands and a faint glow outlined them. Suddenly, old lore came back to Spike.
Rhysdux snorted. "Because Spike is just all about lore and legends and scholarship. Yeah."
Something about male slayers and an Ultimate Slayer… but hat was just a myth wasn't it?
Honorificus grinned unexpectedly. "Spike's Mythical Hat. What a difference a T makes."
Spike watched as the two fought with renewed energy, fighting as a team, moving and striking as one. Spike was impressed. He could see looking at the rest of the group they were impressed as well.
"Everyone all right?" the male asked after the last vamp was dusted. It was then everyone heard the British accent the man spoke with as he and the girl dusted themselves off.
Rhysdux winced. "That last sentence is just too awkward for words. And did you picture Wesley and Faith dusting themselves with stakes after they dusted the vampires?"
"We're the people the Council sent to help you. This is Faith, the Vampire Slayer. My name is Wesley Wyndham-Price."
Rhysdux glanced at Honorificus. "I thought his name was spelled Wyndam-Pryce. Isn't it?"
"This is Faith, my Slayer. Your father and Mr. Travers sent us to help you. Excuse us now, though. We must be going."
"How can we reach you?" Joyce called after them.
Faith stopped and looked at her. "Don't worry, we'll be around," she said as she and Wesley got on their bikes and drove off.
Giles watched them drive off and had the oddest feeling of hope in his gut. Watching them tonight lead him to believe they had a chance for freedom.
"Led him to believe," said Honorificus, groaning. "The word is led."
"Lets go home," he said and led them out and back to his apartment. Everyone but Buffy it seemed lived there now. He suspected it was so she could keep an eye on all of them.
"It's LET'S go home," snarled Honorificus.
Rhysdux seemed bewildered. "Everyone but Buffy lives at Giles' apartment. Which means that Buffy lives elsewhere. Which means that Buffy's victims are out of her sight for long periods of time. Which means she doesn't watch them all the time. Which means they could escape…"
"Rhysdux. Give it up. You're dealing with Sue logic."
Wesley and Faith watched the group leave and they noticed them walking slowly and as a group to an apartment.
"I think she means apartment house," said Rhysdux. "An apartment is only a unit in an apartment house."
They followed on foot knowing the bikes would be safe enough and watched them go into an apartment.
Honorificus sneered. "Yes, thank you, you have told us this three times already. We know they are going to an apartment."
Once assured the group had made it home, Wes and Faith returned to their house. Something would have to be done soon. From the looks of the group they were exhausted. Wesley noted where everything in the area was
"He must have an outstanding sense of direction," said Honorificus.
and then he and Faith went home to sleep… after working off the Energy from the major league Slayage, as Faith would call it.
"Okay," said Rhysdux with a glare. "That's so coy it's nauseating. And the random capitalization just makes it that much worse." She glanced at the words. "Uh-oh. We'd better portal into the apartment pronto." Hastily, she punched in the coordinates for Giles' apartment, opened the portal, and grabbed Honorificus, and leaped through.
The Omniscient Author spoke up as they stumbled out of the portal:
Chapter 3: Signs of abuse
The instant the group made it into Giles' apartment, Giles was grabbed and thrown into the wall hard. He gasped as he felt several punches and kicks to his stomach and he could only hope this didn't kill Ethan.
"Lets see how much Ethan can take Giles," Buffy said in her icy cold voice. Giles let out a soft moan, as the pain in his stomach got worse with three more kicks.
Honorificus growled loudly and lunged forward, shifting from human to demonic form almost without thought. All four of her taloned hands were flexing furiously. "Oh, I am going to enjoy slaughtering you," she whispered.
Rhysdux shoved the Portal Generator into her backpack and fished out the Canon Analyzer. Fortunately, the mute button was still on.
[Doppelganger Sue, alias Buffy Anne Summers. Hybrid Sue—Mulier badasstica feministica x puella bitchia x puella psuedocanonica. Cannot be exorcised. Violation of canon—100%.]
Rhysdux poked Honorificus in the ribs with the Analyzer. "Hey. Honorificus. It's a Sue. We can kill it."
"Good! I'll murder her right now!"
Rhysdux glanced at her. "Hey, it's my turn! You got to kill the God-Stu last time and you disposed of the body of Spike's sister Sage—remember?"
Honorificus sniffed superciliously. "Do you really think that you, a mere mortal, can come up with anything more revolting than I, a demoness of the First Circle, can invent?"
"Well, what about this?" Rhysdux whispered her idea for Sue-Slayage in Honorificus' ear.
Honorificus stared at her partner with new respect. "Rhysdux, that is bloody, cruel and utterly vile! It's positively demonic! No wonder I’m perilously close to liking you."
"Thank you—I think."
"I'm so glad I thought of it," the demoness added smugly.
There is no telling how long the argument would have gone on if the Sue hadn't chosen that moment to escalate the violence against Giles.
Buffy grabbed his head and bent it backwards. "Come on Giles, how much can Ethan take? Hmm? I know it has to be a lot because you always get better after I hit you. Could Ethan take a rape? I wonder just how much pain…"
"A rape?" Rhysdux stared incredulously at the Doppelganger Sue. "I hate to tell you this, but girls are built differently than boys."
Honorificus seemed unable to concentrate on the details. "Buffy, STOP!" burst from her throat…and Angel's. This was probably fortunate, as the Sue thought that the doubly loud cry had come from Angel and reacted accordingly.
The next thing he felt was a kick to his own stomach. However, he could heal more damage before he had to give the pain over to Ethan.
Angel rode out this attack reigning in Angelus.
"My name is Angel, and I reign as King in the Land of Angelus," said Rhysdux. "It's R-E-I-N, rein, as in pulling on the reins of an out-of-control horse and forcing it to slow to a trot, not R-E-I-G-N, and certainly not R-A-I-N!"
If he didn't get the demon in, Buffy would hurt the others and even Angelus had come to care for them. He was sure she was going to kill him herself when the front door was kicked in hard.
"Angelus had come to care for them?" said Rhysdux incredulously. "Angelus?"
Honorificus considered. "Well, maybe in his very own psychopathic, demonic, homicidal, world-destroying kind of way. This is a horribly mixed-up world. Buffy’s the ultimate evil, the Scoobies are moronic wimps, deliciously bad guys are now whipped good guys—it hurts, Rhys."
Rhysdux patted Honorificus’ shoulder soothingly. “Don’t worry. We’ll stop it, and Ethan will go back to his cheerfully-amoral chaos-causing self; and Angelus can get back to being a psychopath.”
Buffy jumped backwards as Faith came in a flurry of kicks and punches that left Buffy on the ground staring up at her. "Hey, you must me Buffy, the Bitch.
The agents burst out laughing.
"Buffy the Bitch must WHAT her?" inquired Rhysdux.
Honorificus grinned. "I can think of so many things."
Me and my man Wes have decided to come here and take your people away since you can't treat 'em decently.
"It really should be 'My man Wes and I,' " said Rhys. "But Faith is inclined to use slang and imperfect English, so I'll concede that one."
Ain't that right Wes?"
"That's right, Faith," Wesley said as he came in with a tranquilizer gun. "Everybody out and follow Faith," he said as he shot Buffy with a dart. They had at least three hours before she would wake up.
"Yes!" Honorificus shouted. "Run! Run away, Giles! You have three hours to get out of town!"
"I don't think he's in any shape for that," said Rhysdux soberly as she nodded at the tableau before them.
Wes watched as Spike picked Giles up and carried him. The man looked like he was bleeding internally and all he could say was "No, Ethan…"
Spike looked at Wes as if to say that never stopped Ethan from taking it.
Wes nodded and he and Faith took the group to their house.
The group included Rhysdux and Honorificus, of course. At the last minute, they had attached themselves to the group.
It was a large house, set near woods.
"We…we get to stay here?" Dawn asked.
"Wouldn't it be simpler just to get them out of town or to a shelter or something?" Rhysdux wailed plaintively. "Everyone keeps not doing the only sane thing possible!"
Wesley nodded as Spikes set Giles on the couch so they could get a look at him. Faith had invited both vampires in while Wes went for the first-aid kit and came back. He patched up Giles and Angel and then went to work on the others' cuts and bruises.
"And Wesley is now a physician who can cure internal bleeding with his first-aid kit," said Honorificus in disbelief. "This is so WRONG."
Giles started off into space until something happened along his link with Ethan to tell him he hadn't died. After that, Giles fell asleep.
Rhysdux squinted at the Words. "This sounds like something happened to the link Giles and Ethan have, and the link told Giles that he, Giles, had not died. Bizarre."
Faith looked at the group standing in front of her and sighed. "When did this start?" she asked.
"After the Master killed her," Xander answered. "Did that have something to do with it?"
"Wait a minute," said Honorificus, holding up all four hands like two traffic cops. "She killed the Master at the end of season one. If Faith is here, it's at least season three—yes, I know the timeline is mixed up, but…this has been going on for two years and no one said anything?! This turns Giles and the Scoobies into idiots—and while I'm not sure about the rest of those goody-goodies, Giles is no idiot!"
"No, Alexander," Wesley said as he came back in. "Buffy had these issues long before then. Do not blame yourselves for it was not your faults."
"Alexander?" Honorificus could hardly believe it. No one called Xander Alexander.
Wesley turned to making food for them after saying that and then showed them to rooms they could sleep in. Everything would be better for them now, that Wes and Faith swore.
"Incidentally," Rhysdux said, "you'd better get back in disguise, in case the Doppelganger Sue wakes up and finds her way here."
"How could she possibly find her way here?"
"Narrative laws of comedy?"
Honorificus groaned. "You have a point." She snapped the fingers of one hand and was instantly transformed into a stunning supermodel with white-gold hair and sea-green eyes. "I was expecting you to want to copy my disguise, actually."
Honorificus snorted. "Two females in the same place wearing the same body? That is SO tacky."
Rhysdux checked the words. "Uh-oh. Temporal-spatial distortion coming up now…"
Chapter 4: the Legend of the Ultimate Slayer
They wound up on the streets of Sunnydale the next morning, following an angry, frustrated and quite possibly psychotic Slayer.
Buffy stalked through Sunnydale after waking up from her drug-induced sleeps the next morning. She could not find one of her people anywhere in town.
"I'll have my people call your people," said Honorificus brightly, contorting her face into a phony Hollywood smile. "We'll do lunch. You be the lunch. Sue Soufflé. Mmm. Good."
Not even her mother. This made Buffy angry. They were her people, supposed to do what She said. And she couldn't find them anywhere.
"Capital letter on the pronoun?" Rhysdux scratched her head. "I think this Sue has herself confused with God."
"I like how she's not looking for them outside of town. I'm telling you, people need to listen to us."
Buffy walked to school for the first time in awhile and was almost late.
"Miss Summers," Principal Snyder said, "Mr. Giles called out. He wont be in for at least the rest of the week. You'll be taking Study Hall in the actual Study Hall this week. Mr. Harris, Miss Rosenberg, and Miss Chase were also called out. I think you'll be on your own this week. Now, get to class."
"Won't. Not wont. There's an apostrophe in there," Rhysdux said wearily. "If you omit the apostrophe, it means 'habit' or 'custom.' Not 'will not.' "
"Miss Chase was called out?" said Honorificus as she scowled at Snyder. "Why? Cordelia's not even a character in this fic."
"Remember what you're always telling me about Sue-logic?"
"Ah yes. 'This is fan fiction, which means it's FICTION and I can do whatever I want!'"
Snyder may not have liked Giles but he knew what abuse was when he saw it. He may not have liked Harris, Rosenberg, or Chase but they showed the same signs as Giles did and Snyder did not really think anyone should be subjected to that.
"I love how much Snyder is trying to stop it, too," said Rhysdux sardonically. "He seems to feel that just sympathizing with the abused is enough. There's no need to stop or prevent it."
He watched Buffy Summers head to Study hall and went back into his office where Mr. Wyndham-Pryce was sitting. Snyder didn't know the man but he knew Giles' handwriting and he understood what the letter was asking. Snyder wasn't completely heartless. He disliked children but seeing what had been done to Miss Rosenberg the other day by Miss Summers and he really did not like that. The girl had an obvious God Complex.
"I see that Wesley's name has changed," Honorificus observed. "It used to be Wyndham-Price, and now it's Wyndham-Pryce."
"Oh, geez," muttered Rhysdux. "That's just what I was saying about Buffy Sue—that she has a God complex. I'm agreeing with Snyder." She closed her eyes, looking as if she were considering fainting.
"I've gotten the school work like you asked for Mr. Pryce," Snyder said as he handed Wesley two folders.
"Commas are our friends!" chorused the agents. Snyder didn't even blink. Wesley, on the other hand, sat up a little straighter and surveyed each corner of the room carefully.
"Uh-oh," said Rhysdux in a troubled undertone. "Wesley, you shouldn't have heard that. You'd better not be—"
He knew the students this was for were hurting something awful is this man had come and gotten the work, and that he was hiding them while they recovered.
"IF this man had come and gotten the work," Honorificus exploded. "If, if, if!"
"Thank you, Principal Snyder," Wesley said as he stood. "I must be going now but thank you."
"You're welcome Mr. Pryce," Snyder said as the young man left his office. Yes, Principal Snyder disliked children, but he did care in some ways.
Rhysdux snorted. "Yeah, he cares enough to give battered teenagers homework to do. Be still, my heart. Oh, I'm tired of this. Let's portal back to Wesley and Faith's house."
Unfortunately for the agents, the portal got hit by a plothole almost the instant that they entered. By the time they emerged from the portal, Wes and Faith had returned from the high school with homework and schoolbooks, and were down in the house's cellar/training room, along with the two vampires, Joyce, Dawn and the Scoobies.
"You wanna explain why you got the same feel as a Slayer, mate?" Spike asked as the two agents crept downstairs.
Wesley chuckled as he and Faith sat together. "Very simply put, Spike," he sad, "I am a Slayer. I'm a special kind of Slayer, a one in a million according to Arthur Giles and Mr. Travers.
"Special?" hissed Rhysdux. "Try impossible. The Chosen One is one GIRL in all of the world. You're not a girl, so you can't be a Slayer. And there are only two Slayers because Buffy drowned for two minutes! Faith hasn't died, and we're nowhere near anything resembling Season Seven. There are no other Slayers—just Buffy and Faith!"
I am here because Faith needed me. Ethan is a Slayer as well Mr. Giles. But his gifts it is suspected, manifested as Healing. Witnesses the fact the rest of you doesn't lose the pain but the entire injury. Ethan is healing you and we don't think he realizes it."
Honorificus scowled. Even a scowl looked good on her supermodel face. "Male slayers are one in a million, you just said. So explain to me why Wesley AND Ethan AND Arthur Giles are all male Slayers?"
"And all with Slayer-like powers, apparently," agreed Rhysdux. "Unlike, say, the female Slayers—only one in the whole world gains her abilities after her predecessor dies. Until season seven, anyway. I believe this is a sneaky attempt at misogyny."
“I think the author is succeeding brilliantly at misogyny.”
“I mean the sneaky part. This is blatant misogyny.”
"You're a male Slayer? My God then you and Faith can call the essence…"
"Yes, we can and have tapped it twice. Last night was the second time."
" Giles," Xander began, "What's the Essence?"
"Nothing canonical," grumbled Honorificus. "That's for certain."
"And once again, we have Exposition Lump! Giles," Rhysdux said wearily. "Why DO Sue-writers insist on doing this to the poor man? Look at his eyes. You can tell he knows that this isn't right."
Giles cleared his throat and began to speak. "In the Council of Watchers, there is a Legend about the Essence of the Ultimate Slayer.
"And we all know how unfailingly accurate the information of the Watcher's Council is," said Honorificus, her lip curling in a disdainful sneer.
In times of great need, a Male Slayer and a Female Slayer together would merge their souls and summon the essence of a being known in the ancient texts as only The Ultimate Slayer. This being, it is said, can destroy a demon of the first circle of hell.
" 'Merge their souls'?" Rhysdux commented wryly. "Does anyone else think that sounds like an extremely bad metaphor for sex?"
"Capable of destroying a demon from the first circle of hell, indeed." Honorificus snorted. "You only wish you could destroy one as powerful as I."
The Ultimate Slayer needs the souls of both a male and female Slayer to manifest its essence. As such, the Council closely guards all male Slayers.
"Something that needs two souls in order to come into existence?" Honorificus brightened visibly. "This sounds almost demonic."
"Don't get your hopes up yet."
Ethan was their greatest shame and failure. They let him fall through the cracks. My father has never forgiven himself for Ethan's childhood and how he turned and twisted. However it seems Ethan has finally managed to untwist himself.
"How he turned and twisted…what?" Furious, Rhysdux stared at the words. "This explanation doesn't explain!"
"Exactly how is Arthur Giles responsible for Ethan Rayne's childhood? Is he Ethan's long-lost father?"
Rhysdux grimaced. "I hope not, since Giles and Ethan are probably going to become present-day lovers. The author already slashed Spike and Xander, don’t forget, and there is a lot less reason for believing in that couple."
The Essence of the Ultimate Slayer is…Well, it's something no one really knows or commands.
"I'm pleased to see the Watchers' Council is running true to form, " said Honorificus with a smirk. "How intelligent of them to try to encourage the creation of the Ultimate Slayer when the Council doesn't know what it is, how to control it, or what danger it poses to those who summon it."
It comes when two with pure motives summon it. The last time was during the Black plague. Only the two who summoned it pulled the plague into them and died of it. It was the only way to stop it.
"The Black Plague wiped out a third of Europe's population in the course of ten years or so," dryly commented Rhysdux. "If two Slayers pulled the plague into themselves and died, they took their own sweet time about it."
Ethan seems to be one like those Slayers, which may explain why Wesley is active. Ethan is the Healer"
"And a Healer couldn't be an active Slayer because…" Honorificus melodramatically pressed her right hand to her forehead. "Ah, I forgot. Sue-Logic."
" Cool," Xander said.
Giles chuckled "Yes. No one has ever seen the ultimate manifestation of The Ultimate Slayer so I do not know what that will be or how to summon it. No two Slayers have lived long enough to reach that level."
"You think Faith and Wesley can?" Xander asked.
"If we can keep them alive, Xander, then yes, I believe we may have a chance at seeing the ultimate manifestation of this being."
"Of course, they have no idea what they are summoning or even if it is good, but that does not matter…"
Willow protested briefly that the Doppelganger Sue was going to be looking for them. Wesley dismissed that notion, asking Giles if he knew why the Council had sent Wesley and Faith to Sunnydale.
Giles looked at Joyce who nodded slowly. She understood as well that Wesley and Faith had been sent to remove Buffy. She looked down at Dawn who still clung to her from fear sometimes and knew she would pick Dawn over Buffy. She had to choose the good over the evil.
Honorificus rolled her eyes. "Please. As if Joyce would ever acquiesce to Buffy's murder."
"Well, it won't actually be Buffy who dies," Rhysdux replied quietly. "But I do see your point. And by the way, I think we need to get going. The Dop hid Buffy someplace, and we need to find her. We can't very well kill what looks like a canon character until we can produce the real one. I've a feeling the Sunflower Official wouldn't like it much."
Honorificus frowned. "Dop?"
"Dop. Doppelganger Sue is a bit of a mouthful, don't you think?"
Honorificus glanced around and then bent low to speak to her partner. "Do you have any idea how big this so-called 'little' town is?" she hissed.
"I don't think size matters. The author has only used five sets in this story, and two of them are out of state. That leaves three in which the real Buffy could be hidden—Giles' apartment, Wes and Faith's house and Sunnydale High."
"Then let's go," said Honorificus firmly. "The sooner we find the real one, the sooner we can kill the fake. We'll search this entire house from top to bottom, and Giles' place—we'll do that one twice—"
"I think," Rhysdux said hesitantly, "that I know where the real Buffy is. It's less crowded than either this house is or than Giles' apartment has been. In fact, I think you'd say it was isolated. And it's certainly one of the more unpleasant areas in town."
"Sunnydale High's basement." Rhysdux blushed. "It's not necessarily where the real Buffy is, but it's our best choice right now."
Honorificus considered for a minute, then nodded. "All right. Let's go."
Rhysdux entered the coordinates for the high school. A few minutes later, they leaped through the portal.
Probably due to the Narrative Laws of Comedy, the two missed hearing Wesley's final statement.
Wesley then turned to Angel and spoke softly. "You must let your demon out. We can't do this without Angelus."
"So be it," Angel said softly. "So be it."
As soon as Rhysdux stepped out of the portal into Sunnydale High's basement, she hit the pause button, then turned toward her partner, who had just arrived.
"We have to hurry—we've only got a few minutes. I've had to hit the pause button for a lot of fics. I'm afraid it's getting worn out."
The two searched frantically. Honorificus was particularly good at this, discovering hidden panels and secret doors throughout the entire length of the cellar. But there was no sign of Buffy.
"This is ridiculous," growled Honorificus. "I can smell the Slayer. I know she's here. I just can't see her."
"I have a feeling that the author is using something similar to our own technique. You know how we can't be seen by canonical characters unless we force them to notice us? Well, this is a case of a canonical character being invisible to non-canonicals…like us. Or the audience."
Honorificus frowned. "Why wouldn't the Doppelganger Sue just kill the real Buffy and take her place? It would make more sense."
Rhysdux shook her head. "Doppelganger Sues are like their supernatural namesakes—they're living ghosts. If they have no one to be the double of, they cease to exist. The Doppelganger Sue HAS to keep Buffy alive, or her own life ends as well."
"The real Buffy is here. I can smell her," said Honorificus, scowling. "But how are we going to find her if we can't see her?"
"Have a little faith!"
"Faith and Wesley seem as odd as Doppelganger Buffy," commented Honorificus.
Rhysdux retrieved her Canon Analysis device from her backpack, removed the mute button, activated it and began turning slowly as she scanned. Nothing…nothing…nothing.
"I hope that they are just possessed by Suvian demons. Otherwise—"
Rhysdux squinted at the northwest corner of the cellar. Dark. Shadowy. Cobwebby. And something…rustling.
"It's probably only a rat," Honorificus said matter-of-factly.
"A rat that sets off the Canon Analysis Device?" Rhysdux said, struggling to sound cynical. There were few things that she hated more than rats.
She glanced at the Analysis Device's screen. It read:
[Buffy Anne Summers. Canon character. IC, but currently removed from story.]
"Hello?" came a wary voice from the cobwebby corner. "Who's there?"
Rhysdux shoved the Canon Analysis Device in her backpack and stepped toward the voice, motioning to Honorificus to do the same. Thanks to Honorificus' strength and Rhysdux's sharp axe, Buffy was soon freed of the ropes, shackles, chains, handcuffs and straitjacket that had held her prisoner for so long. But even after she was free, Buffy was still suspicious.
"Who are you people?" she demanded. "What are you doing here?"
"That's a rather long story," said Rhysdux wryly.
"No, it isn't," said Honorificus briskly. "We're the cavalry, and we're rescuing you from your evil twin sister, who is passing herself off as you."
"And who is about to start torturing Giles in about two minutes," Rhysdux added, looking at the Words. "Either of you feel like stopping that?"
The outraged faces of both answered that question.
"Fine. Then let's get out of here."
Coordinates were entered and the portal opened. Rhysdux and Honorificus leaped through, Honorificus dragging Buffy after her.
The three materialized in Giles' apartment just as the Omniscient Author started to speak:
Chapter 5: Torture Reveals?
The next day, Giles was getting stir crazy and decided to go for a walk. Unfortunately for him, he was not paying attention and soon found himself Buffy's prisoner again.
"So, Giles," Buffy said coldly. "Where have you been since the other night? You weren't at home where I told you to be. I think I'll have to punish you for that. I know what will hurt you the most Giles. I know why you have been trying not to make me angry lately. You're worried about Ethan and his little spell. I wonder what will happen to Ethan if I did, say, THIS!"
Buffy took her favorite knife out and cut across Giles' shoulder. Along the link to Ethan, Giles heard a soft whimper. He had a dreadful feeling it was going to get worse.
"And now? Let me try this Giles," she said as she twisted his wrist, snapping it.
Something akin to a snarl burst from Honorificus. "That…Is…It. No MORE!" With that, she backhanded the Doppelganger Sue into the wall.
Giles gaped at Honorificus. She seemed to have simply appeared out of nowhere.
"Oh, no," he heard Buffy's voice say in a grim tone. "Me first. You can have her afterwards."
With that, Buffy—a very dirty, bloody and weary Buffy—faded into the foreground. Smiling sardonically, she stalked stiff-legged toward the false Buffy.
"Hi!" she said in a lethally perky tone. "I'm Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. And you're NOT." With that, she began delivering a series of blows and kicks that would have killed a normal human. Or a vampire, for that matter.
At that point, the door was kicked in and off its hinges. Wesley and Faith were standing there with the others.
"You know, we really thought you'd get the message after we took them away from you, Bitchy," Faith said icily as she and Wesley moved seemingly as one towards Buffy. "We thought you might realize you'd already lost everything and we could send you to England to get help. But no, you had to take Giles and hurt the guy on the other end of the link. That really pisses me off."
"Us, dear," Wesley said as he moved up next to her.
Rhysdux fished the TV series’ logo and a “Once More With Feeling” shooting script from her backpack, brandished them at Angel, Willow, Spike, Xander, Giles, Joyce, Dawn, Wesley and Faith; and intoned the Short-Form Jossverse PPC Prayer of Exorcism: “In the name of Joss, I command thee, out, foul fiends, OUT!”
Wispy white Suvian demons of all types emerged from the bodies of the Scoobies: a tender, sensitive Angel who had never loved Buffy; a sweet, sad Willow who was "mated" to Angel; a passionately homosexual Spike, devoted to Xander to the point of being willing to die for him; a Xander who had never hated vampires and who had always loved men; and a tough Joyce who had learned, over the past two years, to hate her Slayer daughter. Dawn simply vanished, because the timeline most closely approximated that of Season Three.
Rhysdux swung the script through each and every demon. "Begone, vile spawn of an evil imagination!" she shouted. "Begone, in canon's name! Begone in the name of Joss!"
The Suvians shrieked in pain and torment, then vanished.
The newly dispossessed Scoobies blinked in confusion, as if they were waking up from a long, drugged sleep.
To Rhysdux's shock and amazement, however, Wesley and Faith ignored all of this and began attacking Buffy. The real Buffy.
Buffy lunged at him thinking he was just a watcher. She found herself flying across the room as he caught her arm and spun her and then let go.
"Not so easy is it?" Wesley asked as he and Faith began to circle Buffy.
Buffy snarled and ran at them knocking them to the ground in her haste to get back to Giles. Giles screamed, echoed by Ethan in England as Buffy twisted his arm up behind his back. Giles could feel the arm going and everyone but Xander was watching the tableau save Xander. He was watching Wesley and Faith and he was seeing something beyond Wiggy. Their eyes were glowing green and as they touched, they seemed to be blending into one another until finally Xander saw one being in front of him. That being both frightened and amazed him. "Uhm, guys?" he called hoping to get someone's attention.
Chapter 6: Meet The Slayer
Xander stared at the being that was Wesley and Faith and found him completely at a loss for words. Well, words he could say in front of Joyce. Holy Shit was running through his mind though.
“Hate it when I get Holy Shit running through my cranium,” muttered Honorificus as she searched for a way to salvage the situation.
The being—-the WesFaith or was it a FaithWes? Walked over to where Buffy was and lifted her away from Giles. He/She/It stared at Buffy from glowing, flashing green eyes and then tossed her as if she weighed nothing into a wall.
Buffy got up and stared at it in shock as Xander realized it appeared to be asexual.
"Who—-What are you?" Buffy demanded as she approached again.
It stared at her, regarding her coldly before it spoke. "We are The Slayer," it said. And Xander could hear both Wes' voice and Faith's in its speech. It was like a double exposure in film except it was auditory. There were two distinct accents and voices coming from its mouth.
"I'm The Slayer," Buffy stupidly said. The Slayer laughed coldly as it tossed her again. Xander had almost seen that one coming. "You are not The Slayer. The Slayer does not abuse those that help it. It does not attack and endanger and threaten it's own blood. Who do you think you are?"
"I think," said Rhysdux in a clear cold voice that nonetheless carried perfectly, "that you've got the wrong Buffy. That—" she pointed to the somewhat bruised and battered Dop half-crumpled on the floor at Honorificus' feet—"is the Psycho! Buffy you're looking for. The one you're attacking is the real Buffy. And I think that this idiocy has gone beyond far enough."
She strode over to the Sue, confirmed that she was awake, and began to speak.
"Doppelganger Sue, currently posing as Buffy Anne Summers, you are charged with the following: Causing personality alterations and character ruptures in Spike, Xander Harris, Angel, Willow Rosenberg, Ethan Rayne and Quentin Travers. Causing improbable romantic and sexual liaisons between canon characters, i.e., Spike/Xander, Angel/Willow and Wesley/Faith. Breaking up canon romances between Xander and Cordelia, Angel and Buffy, and Willow and Oz. Compelling straight characters to be unaccountably eager to indulge in homosexual sex. Spike and Xander have ALWAYS been depicted as straight, and there is no explanation for why they might have gotten involved, although they dislike each other intensely. Causing a canon member of the Buffyverse or the Angelverse to abuse her relatives and friends gratuitously and uncanonically. Causing events to eventuate to the detriment of you, the Original Female Character, so that the author's two favorite characters could take center stage…and I'm sure that Honorificus is just dying to charge you as well."
"I'd rather hurt her some more," said Honorificus, her eyes glinting cruelly.
"Charge first," retorted Rhysdux. "Hurt later."
Honorificus shrugged, then turned toward the Doppelganger Sue. The expression on the demoness' face might have been construed as a pleasant smile. If you were a great white shark, that is.
"Causing Spike to call Xander 'Xan-Pet," she began. Her smile was starting to resemble the rictus of a skull. "Changing the social structures and conventions of a canonical society by inventing male Slayers. There are no male Slayers! Slayers are girls! And women, if they live long enough. One GIRL who is the Chosen One in all the world! Also, altering history and/or the known back story of a character—Buffy did not turn psychotic after the Master killed her for two minutes. Causing time compression AND time expansion. Changing timelines. Causing events to happen out of canon plotline order—if Buffy is in high school, Dawn shouldn't even exist yet! Bringing knowledge of future episodes to the story. Employing impossible medical cures. Use of bad biology—a first-aid kit would NOT heal internal bleeding! Use of bad plot devices. Employing deus ex machina in the form of the Ultimate Slayer. Punctuation errors, particularly apostrophe apathy and cruelty to the common comma. Spelling errors." She glanced at her partner. "Have I left anything out?"
"Displaying extreme stupidity, causing canon characters to act with extreme stupidity, causing others to employ melodramatics, torturing Giles, denying your Suehood and being an atrocious example of a Mary Sue of the Doppelganger variety—"
"—and for annoying the deepest Hell out of PPC agents, you are condemned to die." Honorificus chuckled. "I just love that part."
"Take your revenge but leave her alive," the Ultimate Slayer said in that odd, double voice. "She has much to pay for before she is sent to The Lord of the Dead."
"Think you're still a little mixed up, guy," said the real Buffy in a wry tone. "Hello? That thing is so not me."
"I don't understand this," said Angel, who sounded both lost and bewildered. "I don't like things I don't understand."
"No wonder you're unhappy most of the time," muttered Spike.
"We'll be going now," said Honorificus, grabbing the terrified Sue and slinging the creature over her shoulder. "Rhys?"
Rhysdux nodded. On cue, both agents touched their Neuralyzer Sunglasses.
"Now," Honorificus said to the dazed humans and equally stunned energy being while her partner entered the coordinates for one of the University of Sunnydale frat houses, "this has all been a bizarre and somewhat grotesque dream, which you will forget about immediately, understand? Good."
The portal opened and the agents—one carrying a Sue in a fireman's hold—stepped through.
"Wh-what are we doing here?" demanded the Sue as she, Honorificus and Rhysdux emerged in the frat house's common room. "I'm the Slayer, and you can't treat me like this!"
Rhysdux glanced at her indifferently. "No, you're not. All those open wounds you got from my partner and from the real Buffy and not a drop of blood? Please. Sues are always bloodless. Hey, Honorificus, do you mind calling them? I don't speak K'rslaa, or whatever you call their language."
"Happy to." Honorificus put the Sue down on the carpet and began cooing and chirring in what was presumably K'rslaa. About five minutes later, a swarm of large spiders (the smallest of which was about the size of a large atlas, and the largest of which was the size of a small car) began creeping out of the fireplace, from under the sofa, and from behind the bar. Interdimensional portals, Rhysdux assumed. Probably all over the campus. Such was life on the Hellmouth.
"NO!" screamed the Sue in a panic, beginning to kick and scream. "No, you can't do this! You can't kill me, I'm the HEROINE! I only die if I sacrifice myself for the sake of humanity! The bad guys never get to kill me!"
"Yes," said Rhysdux, giving the Sue a triple shot of curare in the neck, which paralyzed her almost instantly, "but we're NOT the bad guys. We're the good guys. Well," intercepting a dirty look from Honorificus, "the morally ambiguous guys who fight for plot, characterization and quality fiction. If you like that better."
"Rhys?" said Honorificus in a falsely cheerful tone. "The K'rslaa are VERY hungry."
Rhysdux backed away as she motioned the giant spiders toward the paralyzed Sue. "Bon appetit."
Honorificus watched enthusiastically, occasionally cheering on this or that demonic arachnid as the K'rslaa scrambled forward, biting, binding, pawing and tearing at the Sue. A few moments later, one of them tore her heart out. Honorificus applauded.
"Perfect! That will teach her not to torture my Giles! Now, let's go home."
Frowning, Rhysdux caught Honorificus by the arm. "Wait a minute. Something's wrong."
Something was wrong. And after a few minutes, the two realized what it was. Canon wasn't twanging back into place. Despite the exorcism of the Suvian demons and the death of the Doppelganger Sue, the false world of the fic wore on.
"Damn it." Rhysdux swore as she checked the Words. "Well, it's official—Wesley and Faith are definitely Doppelgangers. I was afraid of that. That means we have to find the original Wes and Faith as well. Ethan is still possessed by a Suvian demon—not that we can do anything about exorcising him till he comes to Sunnydale to be with his lover, Giles. Looks like we'll have to exorcise Spike and Xander again as well. Then there’s the matter of the Ultimate Slayer-Stu. And Xena's Gabrielle doesn't show up till the sequel, either."
"SEQUEL?" Honorificus shrieked. "You don't mean that we'll have to stay here!"
"Would you rather tell the Sunflower Official that we left a job half-done?"
Honorificus shuddered. "I'd rather deal with my bratty older sister Glorificus than do that."
Rhysdux entered coordinates and opened a portal for what felt like the five millionth time during this story.
"Come on. Sunnydale, a year from now. Let's hope we can get this one done fast."
The two agents leaped.
End of Part 1.
[Honorificus’ A/N—Quite possibly the most offensive piece of crap I’ve ever read. This author appears to hate women—he or she portrays strong women as monsters, like Buffy and Gabrielle; as useless, like Joyce and Willow; or just removes them altogether, like Cordelia. The only woman who comes off well is Faith. However, men, even canon villains, are loving and sweet and SLAYERS! What in the name of Grothnar is up with that? Plus, a sequel. Must hurt something. Now.]
[Rhysdux's A/N—Well, we really tried to get everything done in just one story. Unfortunately, this is a two-parter, and things will get much worse before Honorificus and I can fix everything that's wrong. Cosmically worse. I'd describe it, but there really are no words.]
The original story, "The Ultimate Slayer," by Kate R. was PPC'd without permission. It may be found at http://www.angelfire.com/realm2/realmofships/UltimateSlayer.txt